I’ve had a few long dark nights in my life. The last two months have been right up there with my 2005, laying in the hall curled up in a ball crying for hours. That was a rough time, with a lot of loss and change. This has been a different long night. I’m not crying that much. Nothing specific that I’m mourning, nothing specific tragic happened. But winter, and 3 years of very strange uncertainty on all levels, while not taking care of my spiritual and emotional self caught up with me it seems. A little peri menopause and health issues probably haven’t helped much either. There were warning signs it was coming, I tried to ignore them. I hoped it would just be a short bout of winter blues. But then it hit hard and I was beyond empty. I was in an energetic deficit that I could no longer ignore.
I needed and still need a recharge of my soul. Something to fill my inner battery. So much in life can drain an empathetic, sympathetic, extreme introvert if one isn’t careful. Sometimes I think I’m still recovering from city life and from romantic relationships that drained me. The pandemic drained me in multiple ways too. I was hit really hard by the death of a friend, known as my cousin person, if you’ve heard me talk about her. Being the most socially liberal family member and friend on one hand, and being the most conservative friend on the other gets some points too in today’s severe polarized political climate. Ultimately, the fault lays with my lack of proper boundaries and self-care. I know better. I also know what I need to do. I’ve been trying.
I’m working on finding joy and things that replenish that inner light in me. Remembering why I moved back to my small, rural hometown, while spending time in nature. Painting, roller skating, dancing solo or with my cat, singing in the car, and also just being quiet and resting my mind. I’ve been trying to read more. Trying to get back to a daily/multiple times a week yoga practice. Journalling and meditation would help too. But some days mustering the mental strength for any of that is a complete challenge and I’ve failed more than once. Sometimes it feels like coasting the car with the empty gas tank to a gas station, up hill. 12 miles away. Hahaha I can laugh today because the sun is out and I’m getting some shit done!
Don’t skim over the next part!!!
*I say all of this to remind you, that you may think you don’t have time, or that taking care of your own needs first is selfish. It is absolutely not. And if you have even 5 extra mins (don’t open instagram or FB, maybe don’t take a call just because it rings) you can do something nice for yourself. Take some extra deep breaths, think some extra nice thoughts. Eat something healthy. Drink some water. Don’t worry, I’m also writing this to remind myself.*
If I’ve been slow to respond to your messages, or appeared to have dropped off the face of the earth, I assure you it’s not personal. I will not be of service to anyone in any way, if I’m completely depleted. As I have been. I’m hoping to spend more time writing, painting and doing simple things outside that feed my soul and bring me joy. Scrolling through pictures on Instagram is cheap entertainment but I’m beginning to think it’s also causing a shorter attention span, making my lack of focus worse and causing some/more impatience.
Last week I was working in the yard with the bright hope of spring, today I watched the snow fall, and now the temperatures plummet. But spring will arrive and as as the darkness in the sky becomes shorter so will my exhaustion for interaction/ life. It’s clear to me now that I really did travel in the fall and the spring for a very good reason previously.
Hoping your are finding your own joy and peace in this time that is meant for rest and recharging.
Ps. I’ve debated making excuses or a comment here about how this might sound like a lot of internal emotional drama to you or to some people. But honestly, that would have been a disservice to myself and to anyone else who’s struggling with anything right now. No life is perfect, I know that. I don’t care how perfect you tell me it is, or how perfect it looks on instagram. I know enough people, and know enough dark secrets, to know that is simply just not true. (That’s a doozy of a sentence!) I’m not here to impress anyone, obviously, if you’ve seen my hair and dirt covered clothes lately. Or noticed the typos… 🤣
Keeping it real 😉 XOXO,
Serena
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