Some of you may think I’m still camping in my backyard and garage. Although I am still sleeping in the garage, I have the rest of my house back! It was a relief for sure! Did it help my anxiety? Slightly.
This may be a longer post than usual and it may be slightly confusing so feel free to ask clarifying questions. :)
This may be a longer post than usual and it may be slightly confusing so feel free to ask clarifying questions. :)
If you’ve had any lengthy conversations with me as of late, you’ll know that I’m currently obsessed with the Enneagram. If you don’t know what it is, the simplest answer is that it explains the reasons behind how and why we think and behave. It’s more than a personality type. I’ll leave resources at the end of this for you, should you have interest in it.
If you’ve traveled with me, camped with me, gone on a walk with me or spent a lot of time with me you’ll know that I am often on high alert. I am often consciously or unconsciously looking for potential danger and a solution to keep us from it. It’s one of the reasons I prefer to drive if we go somewhere together. If I’ve allowed you to drive me anywhere, I’ve either been sick, drunk or very desperate for a ride. Or the rare case that I think you are as good of a driver than me. Or I’ve had to practice extreme calming techniques, and sit in the back if there are more than two people in the car. If you have been struggling to do something like plumbing or setting up a tent, or carrying something too heavy, I’ve probably tried to do it for you. This behavior has been misconstrued by myself and others, on more than one occasion as controlling. You may have even thought I was a control freak, that I was bossy, or too nosy. If I’ve been overly critical of your partner who makes you miserable or irritates you, this also falls under the same category. When I walk by houses that are for sale or I’m daydreaming about which house I might like, defendable space, is part of that decision making process.
Now, this all sounds very noble and sweet and some sounds crazy depending on the context. But I assure you, if you haven’t been annoyed by this behavior me plenty of others have. I’ve tried to keep my urges to jump in an help you, to voice my opinions, and to tell you all the ways that might be done better, easier, safer but rarely to I succeed. Sometimes these skills come in super handy and I’m quick to find solutions for things on the fly and get the job done.
What a relief for it was for me to find out that I am, in fact, hardwired to access situations and keep us safe in a variety of ways. It was a relief to me that I’m not just merely a control freak. I’m the camp guard. The village lookout. A protector of sorts. The person trying to protect you from danger, physical and emotional. But I’m not a caretaker, don’t confuse the two. I want everyone to take care of themselves but if they cant, won’t, or don't have the capacity to do so (possibly just my perception) then I will interviene when I can. I do anything possible to have a secure environment when if possible. I will preemptively strike fear. In fact often I do not feel fear, I bypass it straight to anger or it’s felt as anxiety. Fear is like sadness to me, I prefer not to feel them, I try to circumvent the feelings. So that’s walking through my house looking in every closet, under the bed, and behind the shower curtain to make sure when I hear a noise later I’m certain there is no one else in the house. Bypassing potential fear. Stockpiling food for myself and others to prevent future hunger and food security fear. I have to consciously let go of many things when I travel. This may partially explain why traveling alone was my preference for a while. I only have to worry about keeping myself safe. I could give lots of examples of these things but this post is already long. And I am starting to sound nuts.
So imagine when a global pandemic hits, and all of your friends and loved ones are at risk of serious illness or death and it’s in your DNA, in your very essence to keep them safe and you can’t. I didn’t understand why I felt overwhelmed. (Insert bursting into tears here) I didn’t understand why anyone cared about going to the grocery store or to see friends in person. Because to me these where the simplest things I could do to keep you safe. Saying locked in my backyard. Going for a walk in the early morning was stressful because I’d see people without masks. This elevated my anxiety about my their safety, my safety and in turn, your safety, if there was any chance I’d see you. Even at 6’ and masked. I took the extreme route (aside from going on an early morning walk) and distanced from my roommate and his child to keep my high risk boyfriend safe on the possibility I’d get to see him closer than 6’ and masked. I had my groceries delivered or I picked them up with a mask and an open car trunk. If you picked up a mask from me, it was without seeing you or at 12’ and masked in my driveway. I’ll spare you the details of my quarantine areas and my obsession with isopropyl alcohol.
I started making masks March 29th. Since then I’ve made over 500. I’ve given them to freinds, family and strangers. I’ve mailed them to people I’ve never met from California to NY via facebook and instagram. I’ve sent them to Navajo Nation and I’m now working with Bhakti Yoga Movement Center and she coordinates with the different tribes to send them. We’ve sent them to Navajo, Yakima and Warm Springs. I try to get her 30-50 each week. I did sell 170 of them to a corporation, and I’ve received a few fabric donations and a couple of monetary donations to help with supplies and shipping. I’m very grateful for those!!!! They allow me to continue to get supplies and mail them when needed.
I don’t tell you this to brag or get accolades. This is all I’ve been able to do. I can hardly keep my house clean, not from too much filth but disorganization for sure. I’ve also coordinated groceries for neighbors and friends, because I didn’t want anyone to risk the store and or not be stockpiled with food. But I’ve felt helpless, worthless, (insert another outburst of tears), and crazy because I felt like I was constantly trying to keep loved ones, and even strangers safe. Explaining proper protocol to keep them safe. Being outraged by others lack of social distancing and lack of mask wearing. Some of my friends and even my boyfriend were sick of hearing me talk about it. (Insert another outburst of tears) I’ve realized I can’t keep you safe. All of my planning, stockpiling of groceries and mask making can’t and won’t keep you safe. This is my love language.
I’ve also realized that aside from a pandemic and not being able to keep everyone safe, that I also can’t make even a simple plan for my future. Everything is up in the air, from my housing situation to employment to relationships. I have no travel plans to look forward to. I’ve been unable to meditate or do yoga. Thankfully I’m still walking most mornings and doing some push-ups. Probably all thats keeping me sane. I’ve lost 10lbs by eating as many cookies and chocolate bars as I can shove at my face. I call it the anxiety and adrenaline diet.
Sooooo why am I telling you all of this? It’s not because I’m having a pity party, although that might be more fun then how I’m feeling, especially if it envolved cookies, but because I’m being transparent and vulnerable, which goes against my very nature. My first response is to lock myself away (physically and emotionally), distance myself from you, and the world. Because that’s how I keep myself safe and currently that’s how I can pretend that you are safe.
I’ve cried more in the last 4 days than I’ve cried in the last 4 years combined. I’m emotionally exhausted, ungrounded and feel lost. The good news is I know it’s temporary.
Now don’t you mental health professionals worry, I’m not a threat to myself or others. I will begin actively creating a *new* plan to get my shit back together. I’ve done in hundreds of times hahaha But seriously, today is solstice and the new moon is tomorrow so it’s a great time to reset myself. To force myself to meditate again. To stick my feet on the earth (once it stops raining) and remember who I am and how I strive to be in the world. I’ve talked about not living in fear many times but I didn’t realize that also fighting fear may be as detrimental as the fear it’s self. I’ll find balance and I’ll plan something. Even if it’s a simple solo trip to the forest to step on some moss.
How are you holding up? Do you feel safe? Do you feel secure? I really want to know.
Lots of love and boxes of pasta,
Serena
Serena
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