As most of you know I returned from Black Rock City aka Burning Man last week covered in dust and dreams. Not the kind of dreams that come from getting a good nights sleep, that’s for sure, but the kind of dreams that come from being with wonderful people, new friends, strangers and amazing sites and awe causing experiences, as well as some good ol’ WTF? Moments!
Every year that I head to the desert, I go with no expectations or as few as I can possibly convince my little lizard brain to have. It’s the same attitude I try to have when I travel. An openness to what the Universe, or in this case, the Playa sees fit. It’s interesting what lessons and gifts are available or given to us whether we want them or not. :)
This year was great, don’t get me wrong, but it was also the most stressful that I’ve had. Some of which I can account for and some of the stress was unexpected and I’m still trying to figure out from whence it came. The unknown stressor surfaced upon arrival into the city. The plan was slightly unclear as Russ and I carpooled with Charlie and shared a trailer but were actually camping in different locations about a 10 min bike ride apart. Arriving at a reasonable solution at 4:30am, I closed myself into a half loaded utility trailer on a sleeping pad laying over lumpy things, put ear plugs in and attempted 2 hours of sleep before sunrise. I probably slept an hour total off and on. A knock on the trailer door confirmed that it was time to get up and start building our shade structure and get the tents up before the sun got too hot. This was the 2nd hotest year I’ve attended. Although set up went smoothly, we (myself and 3 other campmates) were all feeling the heat and lack of sleep before noon. This feeling was stronger than it’s ever been for all of us. For the first time I wondered why I was doing all this and why I keep subjecting myself to this harsh environment. Why was I already exhausted, dehydrated, hungry, dirty, sweaty, and sore setting up camp to protect me from an environment where literally nothing survives in the summer? I may have even murmured some words about staying in an RV next time. 😳 The feeling passed by Wednesday morning and I remembered all the reasons I love it, why I do it and then began to panic that it was almost over!
Every year that I head to the desert, I go with no expectations or as few as I can possibly convince my little lizard brain to have. It’s the same attitude I try to have when I travel. An openness to what the Universe, or in this case, the Playa sees fit. It’s interesting what lessons and gifts are available or given to us whether we want them or not. :)
This year was great, don’t get me wrong, but it was also the most stressful that I’ve had. Some of which I can account for and some of the stress was unexpected and I’m still trying to figure out from whence it came. The unknown stressor surfaced upon arrival into the city. The plan was slightly unclear as Russ and I carpooled with Charlie and shared a trailer but were actually camping in different locations about a 10 min bike ride apart. Arriving at a reasonable solution at 4:30am, I closed myself into a half loaded utility trailer on a sleeping pad laying over lumpy things, put ear plugs in and attempted 2 hours of sleep before sunrise. I probably slept an hour total off and on. A knock on the trailer door confirmed that it was time to get up and start building our shade structure and get the tents up before the sun got too hot. This was the 2nd hotest year I’ve attended. Although set up went smoothly, we (myself and 3 other campmates) were all feeling the heat and lack of sleep before noon. This feeling was stronger than it’s ever been for all of us. For the first time I wondered why I was doing all this and why I keep subjecting myself to this harsh environment. Why was I already exhausted, dehydrated, hungry, dirty, sweaty, and sore setting up camp to protect me from an environment where literally nothing survives in the summer? I may have even murmured some words about staying in an RV next time. 😳 The feeling passed by Wednesday morning and I remembered all the reasons I love it, why I do it and then began to panic that it was almost over!
The other stress factor this year, that I can identify and understand from whence it came, was relationally. This was our second Burn as a couple. Charlie’s 10th year and my 6th. We didn’t camp together again but we did carpool and see each other daily. There were some things that had happened between us recently, combined with some issues that arouse on our 6 week trip had not been fully dealt with. This was a rookie move as a couple! For sure it was a total rookie move on my part because it’s unclear if said partner was aware that these issues hadn’t been fully dealt with. But let’s be clear, if there’s an issue lurking under the surface, I (and everyone who’s ever attended) can guarentee it will come bubbling up at Burning Man. More likely it’ll be a hard rolling boil rather than a gentle bubble. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friendship or a romantic partnership it’s best to sort your shit before you go. That goes for your clothes as well as your baggage.
However, none of that is what I intended to write about. What I intended to write about was the re-entry process, the default world and utopia. Or my simplified version of it all. If you’ve been following along for any time whatsoever, or know me at all, you may have noticed I’ve shed a lot of the societal norms (or so I like to think) when it comes to careers, relationships, keeping up with the Joneses, or expectations that revolve around guilt and obligation. So if I’m spending time with you, making time for you, or trying to make time for you, please know it’s because I want to do so. If I get you a gift or I make you a gift, it’s not because I think I should, it’s because I want to. But if I don’t get you one, it’s not because I don’t love you, it’s because the right item didn’t come to mind. I’ve stopped doing most things because it’s expected or because I’m “suppose to”.
A couple years ago while flying standby in Atlanta trying to get to Guatemala for a retreat, I wrote something about reality waiting for me when I get back to Portland. My very wise friend, Geoff, replied with something that really hit home for me. He wrote “I think maybe Reality is wondering why you are waiting to greet it until you go back to Portland. Why not now?”. And that has stuck with me! I don’t have to go to the desert to an experimental society to live how I want. Sure, I still have to use cold hard cash here in Portland but I dont have to have judgement, and I can be all inclusive, and live in the moment, I can say good morning to strangers on my morning walks, I don’t have to flash my name brand clothes, or need the newest best electronic, and I can go out of my way to help a fellow citizen of the world. I can also practice patience and love. I can live in the moment just as easily in portland as I can in Black Rock City or India. Or at the very least I can try. The life I want is wherever I am and whatever I choose it to be. Only I have control over my responses to the surrounding environment, rain or shine, harsh or easy. Only I can let the control-freak-nature in me get upset about how long it’s taking to set up camp, or have a pity party because I didn’t get enough sleep. I chose to be where I am at most given times of day, and I can choose how I respond to the things around me. Does this always happen? No, but it’s nice knowing it could and that ultimately I make the choice how to react. And when I fall off the judgement or patience wagon, I brush myself (and hopefully the other person off) and get back up
This re-entry into the quote, unquote, default world was the easiest one I’ve had. I’m sure it’s helped that I haven’t participated in social media for 3 weeks now, that I have a group of amazing friends, that I’ve learned how to be kind to myself and understand what the challenges of returning are. But I’d also be lying if I said I still haven’t wished 100 times that I was sitting in my “Living Room” at 4:15 and Ithacus in Black Rock City watching people ride by as I eat pickles and wonder what wig I’ll be wearing later that day. I’d also be lying if I said that the rain today didn’t put a damper on my productivity or mood. I obviously still have some work to do. :)
Today’s message: Sort your shit. Dream it and live it.
Love and dusty hugs,
Serena
Partial living room view, pre dust storm prep
Partial dining/kitchen area view, a small dust storm
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