Yesterday morning I was having tea in Austria wondering why I woke up in the night, filled with anxiety and then couldn’t get back to sleep for hours. After talking to my friend I realized why. She had stayed up later than I had, read the American news and was quite distraught over the newest Supreme Court appointment. She had blurted out some F words and other explicit phrases in disbelief and disgust. Which must have woken me into high alert and adrenaline.
———WARNING: The following may be upsetting and slightly graphic. I’ve pre warned my mother who had no idea about most of this. So, if you’re sensitive to the topic of abuse I apologize if I upset you. Or please don’t read any further. And for clarification purposes, any ex partner I’m still close friends with is not being described. ———
I keep feeling that America (or the US of Assholes, as I like to call it recently) just keeps stepping back in time. A time when woman didn’t have rights over their own bodies, careers, or money. I was recently shocked to read that a woman could not get a business loan without a male co-signer as late as 1988! In 1972 the Supreme Court voted to allow any woman, regardless of martial status, to be able to receive birth control pills for use of preventing pregnancy, prior to that you had to be married to receive them. Until the 1978 Pregnancy Discrimination Act, women could be fired from their workplace for being pregnant. In the 1970’s a woman could not open her own bank account without her husbands name on it. You get the point, in recent history, woman did not have rights over their own bodies or their own money. But thankfully our Supreme Court, at the time, saw fit to help attempt to give woman equality over some base rights.
Until now, I’ve kept many events, involving men, secret in my life and I’ve blocked out some unpleasant situations for a long time, for many different reasons. None of them are actually good reasons for me anymore. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I didn’t know what the outcome would be. I didn’t want to embarrass or shame them for their shitty behavior. I had never experienced manipulation and before I knew what was happening it was too late. I didn’t want to take the blame for their behavior and because I didn’t want to be judged for allowing said shitty behavior to happen to me. I also didn’t want to hear the following: That I brought it on myself, it didn't happen, I deserved it, I shouldn’t have gone to sleep, I shouldn’t have gone to the party, I shouldn’t have walked down that street, shouldn’t have drank so much, that I should have left, I should have fought harder, that I should have said something when it happened. Or what ever other victim shaming/ blaming has been said.
For example, was it my fault that I woke up to a dude trying to have sex with me because I fell asleep without hiring a security guard first? This happened at least twice as a teenager at house parties. I hadn’t thought about these times for many many years, until this recent situation with the Supreme Court nominee. I was also reminded this week that It wasn’t until years later that I overheard other friends conversation (without mentioning my experience first) that they had experienced the same thing from one of my assaulters. So imagine, if said assaulter was about to be appointed to a position that would affect women's bodies and lives or any other position of great power. Would I say something 30+ years later? Yep, you can bet I would, especially at this point. Do I remember all the details? Nope, no idea how I got to the party, or how I got home, or where the house was exactly. I can remember some of the people there, but not everyone.
I find it repulsive that recently men who waited 30+ years to accuse the catholic priests aren’t being ridiculed for bringing-up their abuse years later. Although woman who do so are treated terribly, shamed and ridiculed. Over and over again. Time after time. And now by the leader of this “great” country who thinks men are the real victims when women confront their disgusting, shitty, repulsive behavior. It’s no mystery woman continue to keep such things a secret.
So thanks to current events It’s time to air some dirty laundry. Some of which has been shoved in the back of the that gross dark closet for over 30 years and some not that long ago. I had a hard time coming up with names of friends who have not experienced some form of abuse or assault. It’s time to get this subject into the light.
I’ve been sexually assaulted to some degree or another multiple times throughout my life, by strangers, “friends”, and partners but still most of my friends and family didn’t know. And they may not know I’ve been in emotionally abusive relationships, economic abusive relationships, and physically abusive relationships, some occurred all rolled up into one. Some were obvious, some were not. I’ve been isolated from friends and family, told I’m ugly and worthless, told that I’d never find another partner, that I couldn’t survive financially on my own, that if I try to leave I’ll be killed, and many other negative things to try to control me and keep me in my place. I‘ve been deprived of sleep until I’ve agreed to have sex, I’ve had someone threaten to send my mother nude photos of me or post them online to control me. Multiple times I’ve had black eyes and a swollen face, a jaw so swollen and painful that I couldn’t chew, and bruises that hurt so badly I could hardly walk. I’ve been choked until I thought I’d die and fought with all I had so that my mother wouldn’t have to find out I’d died in this manner. And still, it was my own shame that prevented me from sharing any of it, from asking for help, for telling even my best friends what had happened. That and the pathetic crying apologies from narcissistic controlling manipulating men who played on my empathy and lack of respect for myself. Respect for myself that our society didn’t teach me to have.
Even now I have shame and embarrassment sharing these things. I want people to think of me as a strong independent woman. I want to think of myself as a strong independent woman, who would never tolerate such behavior in my life. But sadly, I did, too many times. I can only hope I’ve learned something. I can only hope I won’t keep quiet. I can only hope I will be there to support other people in these situations. I can also be super thankful and appreciative for the respectful, kind, patient, caring men I have been fortunate enough to meet so that I know that not all men are vile.
So, If you’re defending assaulters or making fun of victims (or if you support, in any way, someone else who does this) , please, please, please try-on someone else’s painful shoes. If you are a woman, simply remember what it was like when you were in that abusive (emotional or otherwise) relationship, when you were assaulted, groped or fondled without consent, when you were forced into something you didn’t want to do out of fear or manipulation. And if you are the rare lucky one, than simply remember your friend, daughter, sister, mother, etc. who has survived a similar situation. Or even worse, didn’t survive.
XOXO,
Serena
Ps. The few times I’ve shared some of these things I’ve experienced I have also often received the ever present response “why didn’t you just leave?”
Please choose another response as this is a form of victim blaming. This response hurts every time, especially when it’s not a genuine question but rather commentary on what you think the person should have done. Next time someone confides in you try asking a different question. Or simply saying, I’m sorry, what can I do to help you? And please don’t make any excuses for any aggressor, abuser or assaulter. Their behavior is wrong. Period.
Also know that I didn’t add this ps. to make anyone feel bad but rather with hope that through enough exposure and education we can support one another when bad things happen. And hopefully, eventually, one day, these things will no longer need to be part of the human existence.
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