Firstly -Thank you so much for those of you who took the time to respond to my last message. It really means a lot to me! XO
Online Dating.
When I was first allowed to date, the dating pool was very small. A small town and a smaller high school. Everyone knew everyone and most of their business. You saw them “in town”, at school, or a party. People flirted and hooked up and often that hookup became the boyfriend/girlfriend. Times have changed. Really changed. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO if you will) comes in to play so much more. Meanwhile, online dating also becomes a vocabulary lesson. Polyamory, pansexual, bisexual, nonbinary, ethical non-monogamy, primary, sub, dom, vanilla, bigender, demiboy, demigirl... I could go on (actually, most of the time I have to ask someone what something means) but you get the point.
Then there are the other terms you will experience, catfishing, ghosting, benching, submarining, zombie-ing, breadcrumbing, and I’m sure I’m missing some.
Swipe left, swipe right, chat, text, FaceTime, emojis, it’s exhausting. The online personality is what they (the potential date) wants you to see and it may not be who they are. Not just the catfishing or fake photos but also the fake confidence, fake kindness, questionable beliefs or misleading intentions.
So many terrible photos of men holding dead bloody fish, ab shots in the mirror, shirt pulled up, crotch bulge shots, or photos of them and their last girlfriend with her face blacked out or torn from the photo. Overconfidence, under-confidence, no genuine writing or too much writing about nothing. Then there are the messages: “hi”, “what’s up”, what are you doing?”. Really? I don’t have time to engage with every dude who hasn’t read my profile and can’t ask a question of interest to them based on that. I also don’t have time to text and have long drawn out mindless text convos with people who have no intention of meeting me in person. Or say “lets hang out soon” with no offer of time or place.
I’ve gone on 3 first dates this round. All in all not too traumatizing. Although, meeting new people is stressful to me and I really hate the pressure of a date. No, I don’t want to meet for drinks because I’m not really drinking. Or eating sugar, so ice cream is out. No, sorry, I don’t eat meat or processed foods. Oh, sorry, I have no idea what pop culture thinger you are referencing. Sorry, I don’t talk much, and I don’t ask a lot of personal questions because I don’t want to seem nosy. Then if the social anxiety of not having anything to say hits, then I just start sweating and can’t talk about anything. Ya, I’m a real gem of a first date. And it just gets better. Actually, am I really sorry? Good question.
No, I will not talk to you on the phone before we meet. I will most likely not talk to you on the phone after we meet. Don’t ask me. Don’t keep asking me. Don’t call me and think I’ll answer. Unless it’s an emergency, I am not going to talk on the phone. Hell no, I will not FaceTime with you. No, I will not send any “sexy” photos when you request them. I am not your entertainment.
I will also start checking ID’s on any future dates. Julio lied about his age and we know where that led. One of these dudes did too. He said he was 50, then later slipped up and told me his birth year. I know my math skills can be questionable, but come on, how does being born in 1961 make you 50?! Not even an apology or attempt at saying “oh, I meant to tell you...”. It was just a blatant, “all I was getting was 60 year old women”. Guess what buddy, those 60 yo woman are closer to your age than I am! I’d like to lie about my age too, for that very reason, but I’m not going to. Needless to say I told him that deceit wasn’t a great place to start with me and I was not interested in pursuing anything further.
What I will do is the same thing I try to do with you, my dear sweet patient reader (please do call me out when I don’t). I will be present with you. Show you kindness and respect. Listen to you. Hug you. Attempt (I really do try to the best of my ability) to be clear in my communication. If I ‘like’ you, I will try to let you know. I’ve been accused of being hard to read, I took note and am trying to change that.
Just to be clear, I lasted one week on all the dating sites. It was an unhealthy distraction from the uncomfortable feelings I felt after Becky the cat died. But it was all too much for me. I don’t have the emotional energy for all that. And neither do the few friends I complain to about dating. I’m totally happy being single. This is the first time in my life I can say that. I have great friends and family. Interests that keep me busy and a full travel schedule coming up. If I meet some amazing people before I go, great. If I meet amazing people while I’m traveling, great. If not, great. As much as I enjoy a real connection with another human it’s no longer something that I worry about. That is such a relief compared to my past times of being single.
PS. As most of this was written a few weeks ago. I will tell you, I have actually met a few (3 to be exact) people online who I’m thankful to know. Two are from 5 years ago and I’m still friends with and one from this recent round is a gem so far. So, although the majority of my online dating experiences have been less than optimal I am truly thankful for the true connections I’ve made through that modality.
I’m also thankful for YOU!
XOXOX
Serena
PSS. Thank you to the few who respond and keep me updated about your news. I have less than 3 weeks til I leave for Burning Man and would love to see you soon or in September! Let’s have a (not the weird kind) date!
Online Dating.
When I was first allowed to date, the dating pool was very small. A small town and a smaller high school. Everyone knew everyone and most of their business. You saw them “in town”, at school, or a party. People flirted and hooked up and often that hookup became the boyfriend/girlfriend. Times have changed. Really changed. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO if you will) comes in to play so much more. Meanwhile, online dating also becomes a vocabulary lesson. Polyamory, pansexual, bisexual, nonbinary, ethical non-monogamy, primary, sub, dom, vanilla, bigender, demiboy, demigirl... I could go on (actually, most of the time I have to ask someone what something means) but you get the point.
Then there are the other terms you will experience, catfishing, ghosting, benching, submarining, zombie-ing, breadcrumbing, and I’m sure I’m missing some.
Swipe left, swipe right, chat, text, FaceTime, emojis, it’s exhausting. The online personality is what they (the potential date) wants you to see and it may not be who they are. Not just the catfishing or fake photos but also the fake confidence, fake kindness, questionable beliefs or misleading intentions.
So many terrible photos of men holding dead bloody fish, ab shots in the mirror, shirt pulled up, crotch bulge shots, or photos of them and their last girlfriend with her face blacked out or torn from the photo. Overconfidence, under-confidence, no genuine writing or too much writing about nothing. Then there are the messages: “hi”, “what’s up”, what are you doing?”. Really? I don’t have time to engage with every dude who hasn’t read my profile and can’t ask a question of interest to them based on that. I also don’t have time to text and have long drawn out mindless text convos with people who have no intention of meeting me in person. Or say “lets hang out soon” with no offer of time or place.
I’ve gone on 3 first dates this round. All in all not too traumatizing. Although, meeting new people is stressful to me and I really hate the pressure of a date. No, I don’t want to meet for drinks because I’m not really drinking. Or eating sugar, so ice cream is out. No, sorry, I don’t eat meat or processed foods. Oh, sorry, I have no idea what pop culture thinger you are referencing. Sorry, I don’t talk much, and I don’t ask a lot of personal questions because I don’t want to seem nosy. Then if the social anxiety of not having anything to say hits, then I just start sweating and can’t talk about anything. Ya, I’m a real gem of a first date. And it just gets better. Actually, am I really sorry? Good question.
No, I will not talk to you on the phone before we meet. I will most likely not talk to you on the phone after we meet. Don’t ask me. Don’t keep asking me. Don’t call me and think I’ll answer. Unless it’s an emergency, I am not going to talk on the phone. Hell no, I will not FaceTime with you. No, I will not send any “sexy” photos when you request them. I am not your entertainment.
I will also start checking ID’s on any future dates. Julio lied about his age and we know where that led. One of these dudes did too. He said he was 50, then later slipped up and told me his birth year. I know my math skills can be questionable, but come on, how does being born in 1961 make you 50?! Not even an apology or attempt at saying “oh, I meant to tell you...”. It was just a blatant, “all I was getting was 60 year old women”. Guess what buddy, those 60 yo woman are closer to your age than I am! I’d like to lie about my age too, for that very reason, but I’m not going to. Needless to say I told him that deceit wasn’t a great place to start with me and I was not interested in pursuing anything further.
What I will do is the same thing I try to do with you, my dear sweet patient reader (please do call me out when I don’t). I will be present with you. Show you kindness and respect. Listen to you. Hug you. Attempt (I really do try to the best of my ability) to be clear in my communication. If I ‘like’ you, I will try to let you know. I’ve been accused of being hard to read, I took note and am trying to change that.
Just to be clear, I lasted one week on all the dating sites. It was an unhealthy distraction from the uncomfortable feelings I felt after Becky the cat died. But it was all too much for me. I don’t have the emotional energy for all that. And neither do the few friends I complain to about dating. I’m totally happy being single. This is the first time in my life I can say that. I have great friends and family. Interests that keep me busy and a full travel schedule coming up. If I meet some amazing people before I go, great. If I meet amazing people while I’m traveling, great. If not, great. As much as I enjoy a real connection with another human it’s no longer something that I worry about. That is such a relief compared to my past times of being single.
PS. As most of this was written a few weeks ago. I will tell you, I have actually met a few (3 to be exact) people online who I’m thankful to know. Two are from 5 years ago and I’m still friends with and one from this recent round is a gem so far. So, although the majority of my online dating experiences have been less than optimal I am truly thankful for the true connections I’ve made through that modality.
I’m also thankful for YOU!
XOXOX
Serena
PSS. Thank you to the few who respond and keep me updated about your news. I have less than 3 weeks til I leave for Burning Man and would love to see you soon or in September! Let’s have a (not the weird kind) date!
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