Firstly, I wrote the below about three weeks ago. And stopped myself from sending it. Many times. For the very reason I wrote it. Fear. It’s too personal, people will judge me, people will laugh at me, who am I to write about these things? And other reasons that Fear put in my head and heart. But I’ve been listening to a podcast that has pretty much told me I should send it, for myself and maybe one other person who reads these and needs the encouragement as well. So here ya go! Judge away! :)
June 17th 2018-
This will be the longest run of time in Portland since I first started these travel updates around 2014 (I think). I’m catching up on household chores, gardening, working a small part time/very temp job, and seeing friends/family. I’ve also started dating. Talk about an adventure!
Which brings me to topic of my confession. Fear. I’ve tried, and mostly succeeded, to stop living in fear in my everyday life- regarding money, travel, jobs, social norms, etc. However, in matters of “love” and romance I’ve discovered that’s a much harder line to walk. Hard, like you’re four drinks in, walking the line, blindfolded, while touching your nose, and reciting the alphabet backwards. It takes some major focus and intention not to fall. And vulnerability. Like now, spilling my guts, my emotional guts, for almost everyone I know to read. Baby steps, writing instead of speaking, hitting send and then pretending it didn’t happen...
There is a lot of talk about attachment style these days. It’s interesting for sure. I can look back and see very clear patterns. Like delusion about if the other person likes me as much as I like them, but mostly avoidance of emotional vulnerability, such as being afraid to express my feelings, and not vocalizing my needs or desires. If you know me at all, you know my fears/ frustrations around speaking, talking, and communication in general. I believe someday soon this will be a fear in the past and more of a interesting experiment as I move forward. I feel the shift even now.
I purposely took a year and three months off from dating, hooking up or making out (just to be very clear) after things ended with Julio. It was originally only to be 6 months but that wasn’t long enough for me. Part of that reason was fear. Fear of pain, of heartache, and headache. The other reason was to focus on creativity and myself. In March I made a conscious decision that I wanted to experience connection again, what ever that may mean. With the intention of being a loving, open person, with no expectations. Regardless of the outcome, I wanted to have meaningful genuine connectivity with another present human.
After this decision, I contacted someone I’ve know for a while (pre Julio) because this person holds a special place in my dating experiences. Although, I don’t remember ever voicing this to him, big surprise there(insert sarcastic tone). One of few reasons for this status is: on the day of a traumatic, tho temporary(6 month) breakup with Julio, said person was available, not just physically in the same room but emotionally, mentally, and energetically, to listen to me and just touch me in a therapeutic way (get your minds out of the gutters)while I told him what happened and then he just held me. With no agenda. For a really long time. It was amazing and healing. I’d actually never experienced something so meaningful and helpful in a time of pain. That experience changed the way I felt about hugging, personal connection and touch. At the time I didn’t realize how pivotal this moment was to me, but it is why I am sharing it with you now. Shortly after that I began to hug for longer, more often and became more free with my ‘I love you’ to friends. I do also confess, that sometimes, it’s fun entertainment for me to hug long or say I love you to see people’s reactions but I always mean it.
Anyway. I thought I’d been doing a great job of being open and loving and not living in fear. Then Becky the cat died. The pain I felt after finding my kitty, dead, cold, and stiff caused my old protective patterns to resurface. Avoidance and distraction. And a few other unwelcome emotions and behaviors. Fear came back where openness and loving had been. I felt the battle within for a few weeks. I was afraid of being hurt, I was afraid of feeling pain. I was actually really confused about my feelings. I felt completely ungrounded and scattered. I was also very frustrated at myself for being aware of my patterns and watching myself act them out. Instead of being present with the sadness and pain, I attempted to shove them into the back of the dark stinky closet where I use to shove everything unpleasant and then trick my mind with any distraction as to not think and feel. Which ramped up my online dating for a week. Exactly 7 days was I all could handle. Look for “Adventure and Fear Part 2: Virtual Hell” in the near future.
I have worked through this episode of falling off the no fear line, like a bad DUI, and feel fairly grounded and balanced again. I want to smile, feel joy and be happy that an experience happened or is happening, rather than fearful that it may end or will hurt. I will (or try to) be vulnerable and open and loving. I refuse to live in fear. Even in matters of the heart.
So, next time you see your lover, bf/gf, partner, significant other, or even close friend. Hug them tight, and long. Just breath together, close your eyes, feel their heart beat on your chest. Feel the electromagnetic field of your hearts joined. Touch their skin, smell them and smile.
Serena
June 17th 2018-
This will be the longest run of time in Portland since I first started these travel updates around 2014 (I think). I’m catching up on household chores, gardening, working a small part time/very temp job, and seeing friends/family. I’ve also started dating. Talk about an adventure!
Which brings me to topic of my confession. Fear. I’ve tried, and mostly succeeded, to stop living in fear in my everyday life- regarding money, travel, jobs, social norms, etc. However, in matters of “love” and romance I’ve discovered that’s a much harder line to walk. Hard, like you’re four drinks in, walking the line, blindfolded, while touching your nose, and reciting the alphabet backwards. It takes some major focus and intention not to fall. And vulnerability. Like now, spilling my guts, my emotional guts, for almost everyone I know to read. Baby steps, writing instead of speaking, hitting send and then pretending it didn’t happen...
There is a lot of talk about attachment style these days. It’s interesting for sure. I can look back and see very clear patterns. Like delusion about if the other person likes me as much as I like them, but mostly avoidance of emotional vulnerability, such as being afraid to express my feelings, and not vocalizing my needs or desires. If you know me at all, you know my fears/ frustrations around speaking, talking, and communication in general. I believe someday soon this will be a fear in the past and more of a interesting experiment as I move forward. I feel the shift even now.
I purposely took a year and three months off from dating, hooking up or making out (just to be very clear) after things ended with Julio. It was originally only to be 6 months but that wasn’t long enough for me. Part of that reason was fear. Fear of pain, of heartache, and headache. The other reason was to focus on creativity and myself. In March I made a conscious decision that I wanted to experience connection again, what ever that may mean. With the intention of being a loving, open person, with no expectations. Regardless of the outcome, I wanted to have meaningful genuine connectivity with another present human.
After this decision, I contacted someone I’ve know for a while (pre Julio) because this person holds a special place in my dating experiences. Although, I don’t remember ever voicing this to him, big surprise there(insert sarcastic tone). One of few reasons for this status is: on the day of a traumatic, tho temporary(6 month) breakup with Julio, said person was available, not just physically in the same room but emotionally, mentally, and energetically, to listen to me and just touch me in a therapeutic way (get your minds out of the gutters)while I told him what happened and then he just held me. With no agenda. For a really long time. It was amazing and healing. I’d actually never experienced something so meaningful and helpful in a time of pain. That experience changed the way I felt about hugging, personal connection and touch. At the time I didn’t realize how pivotal this moment was to me, but it is why I am sharing it with you now. Shortly after that I began to hug for longer, more often and became more free with my ‘I love you’ to friends. I do also confess, that sometimes, it’s fun entertainment for me to hug long or say I love you to see people’s reactions but I always mean it.
Anyway. I thought I’d been doing a great job of being open and loving and not living in fear. Then Becky the cat died. The pain I felt after finding my kitty, dead, cold, and stiff caused my old protective patterns to resurface. Avoidance and distraction. And a few other unwelcome emotions and behaviors. Fear came back where openness and loving had been. I felt the battle within for a few weeks. I was afraid of being hurt, I was afraid of feeling pain. I was actually really confused about my feelings. I felt completely ungrounded and scattered. I was also very frustrated at myself for being aware of my patterns and watching myself act them out. Instead of being present with the sadness and pain, I attempted to shove them into the back of the dark stinky closet where I use to shove everything unpleasant and then trick my mind with any distraction as to not think and feel. Which ramped up my online dating for a week. Exactly 7 days was I all could handle. Look for “Adventure and Fear Part 2: Virtual Hell” in the near future.
I have worked through this episode of falling off the no fear line, like a bad DUI, and feel fairly grounded and balanced again. I want to smile, feel joy and be happy that an experience happened or is happening, rather than fearful that it may end or will hurt. I will (or try to) be vulnerable and open and loving. I refuse to live in fear. Even in matters of the heart.
So, next time you see your lover, bf/gf, partner, significant other, or even close friend. Hug them tight, and long. Just breath together, close your eyes, feel their heart beat on your chest. Feel the electromagnetic field of your hearts joined. Touch their skin, smell them and smile.
Serena
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